Hi Tobias! If you're trying to find employment - something I recently had to do myself - you shouldn't downplay your own contributions in the world, but acknowledge the impact you've made on other people. Looking at your skills in a vacuum tends to disappoint, but the impacts of those skills are irrefutable.
I say this because you want to do something meaningful - something that creates meaning for you, and as a result, other people. And also because you tend to underrate yourself.
Your creations have inspired hundreds of people, even decades later. Is this a good time to tell you that I got married because of you a couple years ago? No, really. My wife and I met in a MARDEK discord server.
You have a talent for creation that goes... well, well beyond the average person. Since 2020 I've studied your music, trying to find ways to recreate your style, and I've come sort of close, but honestly I'm still not fully satisfied. Your musical ideas and theory were and are incredibly complex! It's not uncommon for me to take multiple weeks to try and write something in your style, then log on to read your blog post and that you've casually written 6 pieces of music in the last week.
To answer your question - should you find "regular" employment and create on the side? While I could see you doing some kind of remote data or coding/IT work, I think you're right that any retail job where you'd have to go out and interact with people would likely drain you, from how you've described your reactions to that. You can always try it as a last resort, but personally I wouldn't suggest it before then.
When I think about it, though, your current route is killing you as well, albeit slower. You should go out and test your boundaries. It does seem like you're making a fair bit of assumption on what working in games dev on a team is like, or what being a professional composer/artist would be like, despite admittedly lacking direct experience in those areas. This may be antithetical to how you have approached things in the past, but I think the best use of your time would be to jump in and try a few things (don't overthink this, you probably have a list of them in your head already) and see what you can tolerate that will also get actual results.
I can't tell you who you are. Only you can do that. But I can tell you that your work has been incredibly impactful, creating memories that will last for the rest of my life, and it would a real shame if you stopped that.
Thanks for writing this; I found it very moving. I'm glad my music has inspired you that much, and that MARDEK brought you and your wife together (though I can't help but be envious since my work's not connected me with someone to love). Knowing I've had that kind of impact is what's kept me going, though I don't hear much like this these days.
I recognise that I have this perhaps rare creative talent - at least for music composition - which is why it feels like such a waste or a loss of potential to get some 'ordinary' job that exists to move money around so a few fatcats at the top can buy bigger cars (I say, bitterly and hyperbolically). I know though that the world isn't exactly tailored to artistic expression without some financial motive or benefit behind it... People work because they have to, not because they want to.
You're right both in that my current life is killing me, and that I'm likely avoiding alternatives due to unfounded and inaccurate fears. Chances are I'll be able to carve a better life for myself out in the world around other people. They can't ALL be poisonous! I just wish I'd had more positive experiences to draw on so then I could believe that enough to step forward without all this hesitation and avoidance.
I suppose the inner barrier isn't the only one I'd need to break through to get a creative or skilled tech job, though. I don't even know HOW I would, or if it's even possible without relevant connections. How did you get your job recently? And is it your first, or just the latest in a chain?
Thanks - that means a lot! I think I have mentioned my composition efforts before, but not my marriage! And to be honest with you, I run the MARDEK Project Nineveh server, and we get people joining all the time talking about their experiences with your games and the Figverse. I hear about the impact that your work has had on people every single day. It's a shame most of that doesn't make it to you.
My situation is very different from yours! I don't have a job in tech, though I've looked into it. If you're looking for a creative job in games dev, the most important thing (moreso than corporate experience) is to have a strong portfolio to show off your skill. As far as connections - they can help you throw your hat in the ring, but are ultimately just a starting point. Incompetent nepotism hires aren't as common as you think - for the most part, you need to have the goods and be able to show that to people. You've got the goods already, which puts you a leg up over most people. (Most people haven't released dozens of games like you have and are just applying to these jobs as a "pie in the sky" and are absolutely not qualified for them.) The trick then is just to get the right eyes on it.
If you want a skilled tech job, that's both easier and harder. It'd be more of a career change for you specifically, but those jobs are way more in abundance in general. I'm no resource on technical jobs (and even less on the UK job market, being from the US), but there are all kinds of career programs, coaches, and courses that can help you learn those things on your own. That's what I was getting at before - you'd just need to jump in and test a few different jobs, and find out what you could tolerate doing every day!
The hardest part here is making a decision about which way to go. Once you do, it's all a matter of finding an endpoint and driving yourself towards it, which you've done many times before in your life.
I know you asked me a few other questions. I'd rather not divulge personal details about myself on a public forum - though if you want to DM me on Discord I'd be happy to share my story with you anytime!
Firstly, as to what drew me here, I’m a huge fan from a long time ago, back when I played MARDEK. It’s always been mind-boggling to me how a single individual was able to create a such a massive game with so many secrets and things to do. I played many 10s or maybe even 100+ hours, and I still never even got around to finishing chapter 3. By the time I wanted to, I didn’t remember everything well enough to coherently continue, but I never forgot just how good a game it was.
As for my suggestion, and I apologize if this has already been said before: have you considered programming as a profession? You say you’re worried about being forced into ‘low-level’ work, but in my opinion this is far from it. I’m sure you already have a good amount of skill here with the considerable amount of work you’ve done on games in the past, and whatever you don’t know, you can learn. It wouldn’t be an end unto itself necessarily, but would give you the stability and comfort to work on the things you love doing the most. A lot of indie game developers have main jobs for this reason, so that their livelihood is not dependent on their games’ successes, and can work at their own leisure. Last I checked, which was admittedly a while ago, there were many bootcamps whose aim is to ramp you up quickly on skills that are valuable in the workforce.
On a personal note, I’m more than a little envious of your creative talents. One of the reason I personally went into software development is that it was one of the few ways I felt I could use my talents creatively, like problem-solving and building software systems (coding can very much be an art form, as well). Because, well, let’s just say the limits of my artistic talent is quite literally drawing smiley faces, and virtually zero musical talent either.
That said, it’s always been a dream of mine to be able to create original music, in the vein of all the wonderful video game soundtracks I’ve listened to in my childhood. The only reason I still hold out hope for music is because, unlike my artistic sense (literal zero), the soundtracks of all of my favorite games are imprinted in my brain, like to the point where I can recall certain soundtracks that I’ve listened to over 20 years ago with uncanny accuracy. Even now in my adulthood, when I’m hooked on a soundtrack, I will have a phase where I listen to it obsessively. That definitely happened with the MARDEK battle themes after I rediscovered them recently. I listened to parts of the non-battle OST too recently, and even many of those really stuck with me. All of this is to say that you’ve got a ton of talent, and the ability to create such wonderful things, especially if it’s something you love, is something that shouldn’t go to waste. Plus, it’s got the potential to make a lot of people happy.
I know you’re often down on yourself in these posts, but I think all the pieces are there, they just need to come together in the right way (easier said than done I know, I’m a perpetual procrastinator). From my vantage point, I wish I had a fraction of your talent, being able to do what you do :)
I'm writing this comment not as someone who's been following your work for years, nor as someone who has loving childhood memories of Mardek, though I think I do vaguely remember playing Clarence's Big Day at some point. I'm writing this comment as someone who only found out about your existence yesterday - and as someone who, honestly, finds your story weirdly fascinating.
I found out about you via a Reddit thread where someone called you 'their favourite game developer of all time' and called you a genius. Normally I don't think too much of praise like that - imagine if we took every 13 year-old that said One Direction 'saved their life' seriously! - but this time I was intrigued, because at the moment I had genuinely no idea who or what this person was talking about. Which is odd, because I always have at least some vague idea of the person or game being referenced! People always bring up the likes of "OMORI" or "Night in the Woods" and mention artists such as Jonathan Blow or Toby Fox when they talk about games that have made a lasting impact on them - 'saving their life', as 1D-loving teens would put it - and they always regurgitate the same talking points regarding said games. But here we have someone talking about a nowadays fairly obscure Flash game that's almost old enough to vote. That doesn't strike me as a particularly fashionable take - it's actually one I'd imagine most people would consider odd. I once saw a video once of a person discussing how her favourite poem was actually not really a poem, but rather a collection of headings and subheadings on a Wikipedia article about - I believe the Fermi Paradox - that when put together, resemble a poem. It was very eccentric stuff, and I still found the idea of a Flash game being life-changing even more bizarre.
You might be thinking that this is going to be yet another comment talking about how Mardek is incredible and how you should continue the series. It won't. I haven't played Mardek, though I probably will as I'm curious as to what all the fuss is about. I have, however, read a fair number of your blog posts, and I've also played Clarence's Big Day. I think I get it. I think I get why you've had a loyal following for the past 17 years or so, because you're definitely an artist. You have a unique voice and a unique perspective on certain things, and it makes your work memorable. It makes it funny. Clarence's Big Day is as amusing as it is absurd. It's genuinely good stuff.
You shouldn't be putting yourself down for what you have or haven't accomplished - because you've very clearly accomplished a fair bit already. You've had people coming back to you asking for a sequel to a game you made when you were a teenager, 15 years after you decided to stop working on it. That's insane enough as is - you can count on one finger the number of people who have that sort of legacy. And you're still working on putting out new stuff! You haven't been resting on your laurels at all! You're a psychologist. You're a composer - and a really good one at that. You're a poet. You're a writer - which can be seen in your games too. Clarence's Big Day is surprisingly literary. You're a programmer. You're a... 3D modeler? Regardless of what the correct term is, it can be said that you're something of a polymath, and as such it's a shame that you appear to be stuck dwelling on the past so much, when it's clear you have the potential to put out a lot more good material.
You talk about your old projects a lot in your blog posts, and what I've noticed is that your oeuvre is rather small compared to some other indie developers - mostly because you never seem to finish your projects or release them once you get going. Obviously not everyone's workflow is the same, but from what I've gathered a lot of devs like to grind game jams to get their gears turning a little bit and force them to be a bit more productive. I think it'd be good if you attempted to get into that sort of groove, and I think it'd help you grow your audience a little bit. You've mentioned that you kind of came up with Clarence's Big Day on the fly - what if you put yourself in a position for a couple of days once every 2-3 months where you had to do the same thing? I'm sure you could come up with something good. Itch.io appears to be the premier platform for game jams, and I think you should check it out.
Itch.io in general seems to be a great spot for indie devs. I've recently discovered someone who you might find interesting - her name is Taylor McCue, and she makes these really interesting games that sort of resemble visual novels, but they have some RPG elements too. They're artsy and weird, and she uses her experience as a trans woman who's struggled with mental health issues and poverty to create extremely compelling works of art. Her games are rather short, too, and in a way your writing reminds me of hers - except yours is largely contained to blog posts, while hers is contained within her video games. It's not what you normally do, but a bit of confessional, interactive auto-fiction never hurt anyone, did it? Another artist in this vein who I like is Nikky Case, who I think you might have heard of already as she's the author of We Become What We Behold and a bunch of other games that were popular back in the day. Her games are short, but they're somewhat philosophical and oftentimes introspective - and she's well educated on a variety of issues in regards to game theory and the like. You could do something similar but with psychology, like, say, an interactive explanation of Jung's big 5 personality traits? I'm not well versed in this sort of stuff to tell you the truth, so I'm sure you could come up with something way better than that. Pop psychology about personality types and the like is really in amongst Gen Z right now, so you could use that to your advantage too.
As another potential pace, I think you should try and do some collaborative work. I don't know if you've ever done that, but I think it'd help get your juices flowing and force you to actually get stuff done on time. I'm not fully sure what platforms people use to look for collaborators, but I know that Newgrounds - yes, Newgrounds! - has a very active section for people who are looking for artists/musicians/coders/writers and so on. I'm pretty sure itch.io has a similar feature. You could find a project that interests you or post an idea for one of your own that you'd like some input on. It'd also help you socialise a bit more, which is something mentioned you'd like to do.
Whatever it is that you end up doing, I wish you the best! But you've got to work hard no matter what, and actually publish something every once in a while :p
I first stumbled on mardek in 2013.It was a summer vacation after 7th grade and was finding something to play. I was bullied as a new kid in my new school because I was a nerd and didn't talk to people much. I had enough. And then I found this game and was immediately hooked. Just like Bastian found Fantasia at a bookstore in the novel 'The Neverending story',I found mardek. It helped me forget all my problems. I had the best summer vacation.Things got better in 8th grade, I started making friends and so on.But I think that's why this game has a special place in my heart despite its flaws. It's all the memories I had. .
I also had dropped out of uni twice because of paranoia associated with my schizophrenia (which was diagnosed at age 17.) That's also why I find Rohoph such a relatable character.What I am trying to tell you is you have made a huge impact with your work. It's just that you didnt start small first and then work your way up to larger projects
If you have hard time creating dreamons, I guess you will have to hire some people (even omori and undertale wasn't made by a single person) or you can create a webcomic or graphic novel. I hope it helps.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm glad that MARDEK had that positive influence in your life. That's my biggest hope as a creator, to brighten the lives of others in whatever way I can.
I'd never thought of the connection between Rohoph and schizophrenia before, how interesting! I like that characters are able to resonate with people even in ways that weren't explicitly intended. I hope you're not too troubled by the mental health issues. I'm no stranger to having a mind that's not my friend, after all.
Unfortunately, hiring people takes money, and I don't even have enough to hire myself currently. I envy people who have likeminded friends to develop together with, driven by passion rather than compensation; I wonder how much success comes from lucky connections like that, which I personally missed out on.
I am fine, I have been taking clozapine, the best antipsychotic out there and feeling better now. If you are still continuing on a game dev journey, start with something small, I think yume nikki was made by one person, It's a horror game made in rpg maker by kikiyama.I found a video on YouTube about the easiest video game genres to make tierlist
You've got some great creative skills. But the hard part is making a living from it.
For example, let's say you want to earn $50,000. You could get 50,000 people to pay you $1 each. Or 2000 people to pay you $25 each. And so on. At the other end of the scale is one big customer that pays you $50,000, and you devote most of your attention to that customer.
The creative work you've described is on the many-customers side of the scale, but it's hard to find and juggle the number of customers needed to earn decent money. Meanwhile, getting a regular job is equivalent to the one big customer. I think the one customer route is easier.
As for what kind of job you could get, ideally it should be something that uses your creative/coding/psychology skills. But you can fall back to an unskilled local job to get work experience. (Unskilled jobs aren't always easier to get though. Lower bar to entry can mean more applicants.)
But note that I'm quite biased. I'm just one guy with a full-time coding job that more than adequately pays the bills.
Sorry I'm late! I actually wanted to message you years ago, but I didn't manage it because I was going through a mental health crisis and had a typo in your email. Anyway, you are a big inspiration for me not just because of MARDEK, but because you have kept pushing your dreams and working on different games and music and art despite the challenges in your life! I played a decent amount of Memody a few years ago and I have followed the progress of your different projects once I found this website. I really enjoyed the two sound poems in this blog and I can somewhat grasp how low you must feel sometimes. I had a dream as a kid to make a game about dragons, inspired by your projects and others, but I never took the time to learn programming or art design or write more than a few snippets of music. Unlike me, you have worked really hard to produce your creatives ideas, even when it meant switching to something else after a while. I get why you wanted to do something besides MARDEK, and your other projects have been really cool to see. I'm sorry that Memody hasn't gotten the attention it deserved. Sadly, I didn't know about it until you had only gotten crumbs for what I consider to a beautifully moving and challenging game. I hope to someday make my game, but I am 26 with little knowledge of game development other than the ideas of characters and stories, unless I resort to RPGmaker. I hope you are able to get the support you need and you get to see how many of your fans are still here to support you. The hardest part of mental illness is how different and worthless it can make us feel, even though everyone needs help sometimes and I believe and hope that things will get better for both of us. Thank you for continuing to push through difficult things so you can live and share your light and ideas with us through your projects.
Hello Tobias. I've spoken to you many times before (your blogs for example). And I've been following your work for a long time. I just now made a Substack account so I could answer this question, but I've been still reading the blog. I have a lot of difficulty with communicating with people as well, and it made for a difficult time in my life. But one thing that always made my day better was hearing about your work.
I've always appreciated the projects you've made, and the mastery you have over creativity. Your music has always been pleasing for my ears, but your art has always marveled me. I know you may think of Mardek with regret, but I always appreciated how your art had subtlety. Anytime I entered a new area, it felt like everything fit in perfectly (Not an easy task). Not once did it ever feel overwhelming to my senses. It always felt right.
As for what I want from you, I want you to do what makes you happy. I want to see you work the way you want to. No matter how people believe designers and composers are supposed to be, you still carry on with how you wish a game should be. By being unbound by the arbitrary rules of perception, you have let your creativity bring about joy to many (me included). You inspired me to reach for my goals, and I'm still working at it. Despite my mental health issues, I can always count on your work to give me hope that I can make my project succeed. The day you wrote that I have your blessing was one of the happiest days I've had lately.
I understand your struggles very well. I wish I had good connections with people. Almost all of my connections (even through common interests) eventually sever, rot, or were just toxic to begin with (even if I didn't realize it at first). However, despite the struggle, you still persevere. And I respect you very much because of that. I still will follow your work, from the beginning to the end. And happy belated birthday.
Seeing the MARDEK series continue with the same graphics like the original 3 would make me very happy haha. I also think that it'll sell very well. One of the best games I've ever played
I think one of your most unique creative talents (among many) is your composition skill. If you were interested in exploring freelancing I think that may be a good place to start. You could of course take commissions for making video games music, but there may also be a market for making character themes or set piece themes for tabletop RPGs. It's not a service I've seen before, and I think it's something invested players would really be into. Unfortunately that may involve marketing, but you could potentially partner with a third party ttrpg publisher and have that handled through them. These publishers may also be more approachable than other types of corporations.
I also think considering some sort of part time day job isn't a bad idea if you're worried about being strapped for cash. In my experience, the tiredness that comes from "regular work" and creative endeavors isn't necessarily addictive in the way you might expect. Back in undergrad when I had my time split between pharmacy and music, I would be tired from both, but my energy wasn't all being siphoned from the same metaphorical pot. However that's just my experience, you may know if you react differently to that kind of thing.
I was a big fan of Mardek, and it's still one of my all-time favorite games. I keep thinking you and Concerned Ape (the guy who made Stardew Valley by himself and then hired a team to help with development after it was super successful) have a lot of similarities. He released Stardew Valley early just because he knew he'd be working on it forever and people knew it was in development and wanted to play it. Since then, he's been adding consecutive updates for years afterward, the latest (and perhaps final) one being 1.6. It's definitely a labor of love. He trolls us sometimes, too. ^_^' He has a sense of humor.
I would think the best way to make games is by knowing what is fun for you and make games that you would like to play, because then you can pretty much guarantee that others will feel the same way.
But personally, my favorite games tend to be RPGs, farming simulators (apparently), puzzles, and a few others depending on the game. The top-down pixel graphics of Mardek was an appeal, by the way; I don't know if you saw it that way since you seem to have gone away from pixel graphics. I also play games with 3-D graphics, but I usually prefer them to be cartoony and overly saturated. ^_^' Examples: Stardew, Ooblets, Animal Crossing, etc.
I feel like there must be a lot of options for what you can do to earn money. Maybe you should go to school for business so you can learn how to run your own. I imagine you wouldn't need too much, although I don't actually know. Also, have you been seeing a therapist regularly? I get the impression a lot of what you're afraid of is kind of in your head, and I would think it would help a lot if you can manage to see things more positively, at least in the sense of how other people view you. There are a lot of people, myself included, who can't help feeling like a stranger who just doesn't belong anywhere. I've had several times when I felt that I had found "my people," but I always still felt unwelcome somehow. I guess if you manage to find those people who feel the same way, or similarly, at least you'll know you're not alone in the world.
Also, I think making small projects is probably the best way to be able to make some kind of money quickly. It can be easy to get carried away with big ideas, but then it can take a long time to actually bring the product to the customer that way.
I think I've never spoken to you but let me answer your question of why I'm here. I came to know your works through MARDEK, but I'm totally open to your other games and non-game-related ideas. I think I'm interested in you as a creator, as I like the way you express emotions and feelings through your creations.
Also, with that, I find the idea of making music/songs with animations is nice. Not just character related songs, but event or scene related songs would work.
I came up with two other reasons why I think the idea is good.
1: As it requires two different skill sets and bridge between them, there are less competitors. It might sound odd, but I think it's like translating one language to another. For example, there are so many Hindi speakers and Chinese speakers, but way less people who can make smooth translations between them. And when you are a "translator", you can get works from both sides.
2: Animations also helps people to stop their scrolls to see your music. I think that's one of the reasons why many bands don't put simple statistic screen on their music these days. When something is moving, our eyes tend to see it.
...Well, if only I could come up with better ideas to greatly support you, but it would be nice if I can help you even a bit. I wish the best for you. Sending love from Japan.
Thanks a lot for commenting! I appreciate your support and heraing your thoughts, especially if you're interested in my general creative output rather than something specific like MARDEK exclusively.
I think your insights about how the character song things could work are wise, and I've had similar thoughts and hopes myself. I think MARDEK did as well as it did largely due to the lack of competitors at the time (pretty much nobody was making RPGs in Flash). I just hope that that is how they'd turn out if I went down that path. Hearing you think the same does help with that hope!
I had some similar experiences to yours - I went to uni studying something, ended up in psychology only to drop it after and am too looking for a job. It can be scary and my mental issues are no help at all. Started taking meds at about 4 years and sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in an endless loop of quitting things I start and taking a lot of medications. Not to mention my addiction to tobacco and my bad relationship with alcohol. I hope we both can get through all of this.
As a fellow person crippling with mental illness it's easier to say things to other people who are passing through shared experiences than dealing with them myself, but I felt I needed to say my piece. I hope you don't read all of this as me coming after you - I'm struggling too.
Quoting Syntax "Your creations have inspired hundreds of people, even decades later." You did. You inspired me and many friends of mine. I used to play all of your games - even the unfinished ones. And all the passion you had for your projects made me want to stick around and see how you are handling things now. You are one of the only solo developers (actually, might be the only one) I tend to keep up so closely with.
You said you wish your parents had pressured you into working before so you could get a taste on the common "job life", but alas, they didn't. And sadly, this line of thought ends up making us feel worse about ourselves. As hard as letting go of the past is, what you gotta do is focus on your recent events. Your mother is going to retire and you need to make money.
About making money... I think you actually have many options. As a game developer, maybe you could try finding a job in the area? Working for a dev team? Some jobs like that you can even do in the comfort of your own home. I live in Brazil, and I feel like here is a bit harder to join a team like that than in the US or the UK. Another option, which I feel you probably won't like, would be to finish Mardek. It was your most played series and I remember reading that you were actually surprised by the number of sales on steam. I don't like the idea of having to make money doing something you don't feel as connected to anymore but...
Sometimes life can be a real pain, and we need to find a way to make money. And maybe finishing one of your most popular games could help you to make enough money to invest in your actual interests. But I don't know, maybe you'd be happier working in a day-to-day job instead of developing something you don't feel as passionate about as you used to. You are the only one who can answer that.
There's also another thing about games I feel like I should point out to you. As much as I love your work and have been deeply inspired by it, I can't help but notice that since the beggining of your career, lots of your games have been unfinished. Deliverance, Beast Hunter, Raider, Miasmon and others, namely Taming Dreams, which I played before - even had the beta ( think it was beta?) test build. Having ADHD and mental health issues, I know how hard it is to stay focused on one project. But I have the feeling that if you could try something new to apply to your work and be able to finish your projects, you'd be very successful.
Speaking about Taming Dreams and Clarence's Big Chance. Those are, I think, your two last games. They are separated by many years of launch and Taming Dreams is apparently abandoned. Can't say for Taming Dreams, but I remember CBC was a big hit and many people played it. So it's not like Mardek is your only option. Your passion flows through your games and that's why people love playing them. But as far as being a game developer, first you need to finish the games, otherwise you'll just hop in one project after another.
Trying out new things can be hard - but it's not good to dwell on our insecurities either. I have worked before but I quit many jobs because I thought they would lead me nowhere, or my anxieties got the better of me. One time I quit a job because I was paid with government money and thought to myself "Hey, it's not fair for me to receive X in salary while people are hungry on the streets." Something along those lines. I regret quitting, now.
As much as I want to invest on other projects, I realized by now that I need the funds for that. And how else can I make money, but working? So I had to (for the time being) find a work and focus on making money so that, in the future, I can do the things that I do really enjoy.
It's also a good thing to work on a common job. I also think that all your knowledge from psychology can be applied for your future work. My friend is working at a drugstore and also goes to college, but his education is from home. Distance learning, I think? And he's happy, there. Working also helps a great lot with depression. Keeps your mind away from those recurrent thoughts.
Again, I'm sharing my opinion because I feel like our struggles can be quite similar - depression, severe anxiety... Can't say that for the brain tumor tho. But I did have severe health issues too, though I'd rather not talk about them on the internet - I don't even post on many websites or forums that often for that matter.
I also know it's very hard to read other people's opinion on the internet - no one knows how crippling your problems can be but yourself. And that is okay. I just hope I could share some of my thoughts and maybe help out a little bit. Take care, I hope you'll come to a good resolution and find the happiness you certainly deserve. Just like you made me and countless other friends happy throughout all these years with your games.
What I would suggest is compiling an actual portfolio, something that you can show to a potential employer. I think it would give you a better overall idea of what you can offer and, y'know, give them a better option to check out your work other than this website. It has too much personal stuff and is held together by duct tape and prayers.
With that, I'd seek a position in a smaller game development team. Maybe it's not gonna give you much in terms of cash, but it would give you the much needed experience in teamwork, since you've been doing stuff solo for the most part. I can tell it's not your forte, but it's an acquired skill, not something you're "born" with. You can also do some kind of unskilled part-time stuff you mentioned at the same time. And hey, someone there might remember you for all your countribution in the flash days, so you have that going for you. And teams, if not disbanded, tend to get shit done, which also has been an issue with your work.
And then - who knows? - maybe you can make a small team yourself for a glorious comeback, which me and a bunch of other people have been silently waiting for all this time! A return to Divine Dreams maybe?
I originally started reading here (many years ago) because I was curious if the mardek series was still going anywhere, or what it's successor would be. For me it was definitely one of my personality defining pieces of media.
I've played and enjoyed Memody and the demo of Atonal Dreams as well, so I'd assume I'll like any game you'd end up releasing in the future. As for music I don't really listen to any music on it's own, but when it's a game soundtrack that I like a lot I'll remember it very well. I still get music from mardek playing in my head regularly. For me I know I'm biased in that the emotional connection of the music to the corresponding game/media matters a lot.
Having been following for a while at this point I've been generally interested in your life experiences as well, so even if there doesn't end up being "content" for me, I'll likely keep on browsing here anyways. I wish you good luck
Hi Tobias! If you're trying to find employment - something I recently had to do myself - you shouldn't downplay your own contributions in the world, but acknowledge the impact you've made on other people. Looking at your skills in a vacuum tends to disappoint, but the impacts of those skills are irrefutable.
I say this because you want to do something meaningful - something that creates meaning for you, and as a result, other people. And also because you tend to underrate yourself.
Your creations have inspired hundreds of people, even decades later. Is this a good time to tell you that I got married because of you a couple years ago? No, really. My wife and I met in a MARDEK discord server.
You have a talent for creation that goes... well, well beyond the average person. Since 2020 I've studied your music, trying to find ways to recreate your style, and I've come sort of close, but honestly I'm still not fully satisfied. Your musical ideas and theory were and are incredibly complex! It's not uncommon for me to take multiple weeks to try and write something in your style, then log on to read your blog post and that you've casually written 6 pieces of music in the last week.
To answer your question - should you find "regular" employment and create on the side? While I could see you doing some kind of remote data or coding/IT work, I think you're right that any retail job where you'd have to go out and interact with people would likely drain you, from how you've described your reactions to that. You can always try it as a last resort, but personally I wouldn't suggest it before then.
When I think about it, though, your current route is killing you as well, albeit slower. You should go out and test your boundaries. It does seem like you're making a fair bit of assumption on what working in games dev on a team is like, or what being a professional composer/artist would be like, despite admittedly lacking direct experience in those areas. This may be antithetical to how you have approached things in the past, but I think the best use of your time would be to jump in and try a few things (don't overthink this, you probably have a list of them in your head already) and see what you can tolerate that will also get actual results.
I can't tell you who you are. Only you can do that. But I can tell you that your work has been incredibly impactful, creating memories that will last for the rest of my life, and it would a real shame if you stopped that.
Thanks for writing this; I found it very moving. I'm glad my music has inspired you that much, and that MARDEK brought you and your wife together (though I can't help but be envious since my work's not connected me with someone to love). Knowing I've had that kind of impact is what's kept me going, though I don't hear much like this these days.
I recognise that I have this perhaps rare creative talent - at least for music composition - which is why it feels like such a waste or a loss of potential to get some 'ordinary' job that exists to move money around so a few fatcats at the top can buy bigger cars (I say, bitterly and hyperbolically). I know though that the world isn't exactly tailored to artistic expression without some financial motive or benefit behind it... People work because they have to, not because they want to.
You're right both in that my current life is killing me, and that I'm likely avoiding alternatives due to unfounded and inaccurate fears. Chances are I'll be able to carve a better life for myself out in the world around other people. They can't ALL be poisonous! I just wish I'd had more positive experiences to draw on so then I could believe that enough to step forward without all this hesitation and avoidance.
I suppose the inner barrier isn't the only one I'd need to break through to get a creative or skilled tech job, though. I don't even know HOW I would, or if it's even possible without relevant connections. How did you get your job recently? And is it your first, or just the latest in a chain?
Thanks - that means a lot! I think I have mentioned my composition efforts before, but not my marriage! And to be honest with you, I run the MARDEK Project Nineveh server, and we get people joining all the time talking about their experiences with your games and the Figverse. I hear about the impact that your work has had on people every single day. It's a shame most of that doesn't make it to you.
My situation is very different from yours! I don't have a job in tech, though I've looked into it. If you're looking for a creative job in games dev, the most important thing (moreso than corporate experience) is to have a strong portfolio to show off your skill. As far as connections - they can help you throw your hat in the ring, but are ultimately just a starting point. Incompetent nepotism hires aren't as common as you think - for the most part, you need to have the goods and be able to show that to people. You've got the goods already, which puts you a leg up over most people. (Most people haven't released dozens of games like you have and are just applying to these jobs as a "pie in the sky" and are absolutely not qualified for them.) The trick then is just to get the right eyes on it.
If you want a skilled tech job, that's both easier and harder. It'd be more of a career change for you specifically, but those jobs are way more in abundance in general. I'm no resource on technical jobs (and even less on the UK job market, being from the US), but there are all kinds of career programs, coaches, and courses that can help you learn those things on your own. That's what I was getting at before - you'd just need to jump in and test a few different jobs, and find out what you could tolerate doing every day!
The hardest part here is making a decision about which way to go. Once you do, it's all a matter of finding an endpoint and driving yourself towards it, which you've done many times before in your life.
I know you asked me a few other questions. I'd rather not divulge personal details about myself on a public forum - though if you want to DM me on Discord I'd be happy to share my story with you anytime!
Hi Tobias,
Firstly, as to what drew me here, I’m a huge fan from a long time ago, back when I played MARDEK. It’s always been mind-boggling to me how a single individual was able to create a such a massive game with so many secrets and things to do. I played many 10s or maybe even 100+ hours, and I still never even got around to finishing chapter 3. By the time I wanted to, I didn’t remember everything well enough to coherently continue, but I never forgot just how good a game it was.
As for my suggestion, and I apologize if this has already been said before: have you considered programming as a profession? You say you’re worried about being forced into ‘low-level’ work, but in my opinion this is far from it. I’m sure you already have a good amount of skill here with the considerable amount of work you’ve done on games in the past, and whatever you don’t know, you can learn. It wouldn’t be an end unto itself necessarily, but would give you the stability and comfort to work on the things you love doing the most. A lot of indie game developers have main jobs for this reason, so that their livelihood is not dependent on their games’ successes, and can work at their own leisure. Last I checked, which was admittedly a while ago, there were many bootcamps whose aim is to ramp you up quickly on skills that are valuable in the workforce.
On a personal note, I’m more than a little envious of your creative talents. One of the reason I personally went into software development is that it was one of the few ways I felt I could use my talents creatively, like problem-solving and building software systems (coding can very much be an art form, as well). Because, well, let’s just say the limits of my artistic talent is quite literally drawing smiley faces, and virtually zero musical talent either.
That said, it’s always been a dream of mine to be able to create original music, in the vein of all the wonderful video game soundtracks I’ve listened to in my childhood. The only reason I still hold out hope for music is because, unlike my artistic sense (literal zero), the soundtracks of all of my favorite games are imprinted in my brain, like to the point where I can recall certain soundtracks that I’ve listened to over 20 years ago with uncanny accuracy. Even now in my adulthood, when I’m hooked on a soundtrack, I will have a phase where I listen to it obsessively. That definitely happened with the MARDEK battle themes after I rediscovered them recently. I listened to parts of the non-battle OST too recently, and even many of those really stuck with me. All of this is to say that you’ve got a ton of talent, and the ability to create such wonderful things, especially if it’s something you love, is something that shouldn’t go to waste. Plus, it’s got the potential to make a lot of people happy.
I know you’re often down on yourself in these posts, but I think all the pieces are there, they just need to come together in the right way (easier said than done I know, I’m a perpetual procrastinator). From my vantage point, I wish I had a fraction of your talent, being able to do what you do :)
Hello Tobias,
I'm writing this comment not as someone who's been following your work for years, nor as someone who has loving childhood memories of Mardek, though I think I do vaguely remember playing Clarence's Big Day at some point. I'm writing this comment as someone who only found out about your existence yesterday - and as someone who, honestly, finds your story weirdly fascinating.
I found out about you via a Reddit thread where someone called you 'their favourite game developer of all time' and called you a genius. Normally I don't think too much of praise like that - imagine if we took every 13 year-old that said One Direction 'saved their life' seriously! - but this time I was intrigued, because at the moment I had genuinely no idea who or what this person was talking about. Which is odd, because I always have at least some vague idea of the person or game being referenced! People always bring up the likes of "OMORI" or "Night in the Woods" and mention artists such as Jonathan Blow or Toby Fox when they talk about games that have made a lasting impact on them - 'saving their life', as 1D-loving teens would put it - and they always regurgitate the same talking points regarding said games. But here we have someone talking about a nowadays fairly obscure Flash game that's almost old enough to vote. That doesn't strike me as a particularly fashionable take - it's actually one I'd imagine most people would consider odd. I once saw a video once of a person discussing how her favourite poem was actually not really a poem, but rather a collection of headings and subheadings on a Wikipedia article about - I believe the Fermi Paradox - that when put together, resemble a poem. It was very eccentric stuff, and I still found the idea of a Flash game being life-changing even more bizarre.
You might be thinking that this is going to be yet another comment talking about how Mardek is incredible and how you should continue the series. It won't. I haven't played Mardek, though I probably will as I'm curious as to what all the fuss is about. I have, however, read a fair number of your blog posts, and I've also played Clarence's Big Day. I think I get it. I think I get why you've had a loyal following for the past 17 years or so, because you're definitely an artist. You have a unique voice and a unique perspective on certain things, and it makes your work memorable. It makes it funny. Clarence's Big Day is as amusing as it is absurd. It's genuinely good stuff.
You shouldn't be putting yourself down for what you have or haven't accomplished - because you've very clearly accomplished a fair bit already. You've had people coming back to you asking for a sequel to a game you made when you were a teenager, 15 years after you decided to stop working on it. That's insane enough as is - you can count on one finger the number of people who have that sort of legacy. And you're still working on putting out new stuff! You haven't been resting on your laurels at all! You're a psychologist. You're a composer - and a really good one at that. You're a poet. You're a writer - which can be seen in your games too. Clarence's Big Day is surprisingly literary. You're a programmer. You're a... 3D modeler? Regardless of what the correct term is, it can be said that you're something of a polymath, and as such it's a shame that you appear to be stuck dwelling on the past so much, when it's clear you have the potential to put out a lot more good material.
You talk about your old projects a lot in your blog posts, and what I've noticed is that your oeuvre is rather small compared to some other indie developers - mostly because you never seem to finish your projects or release them once you get going. Obviously not everyone's workflow is the same, but from what I've gathered a lot of devs like to grind game jams to get their gears turning a little bit and force them to be a bit more productive. I think it'd be good if you attempted to get into that sort of groove, and I think it'd help you grow your audience a little bit. You've mentioned that you kind of came up with Clarence's Big Day on the fly - what if you put yourself in a position for a couple of days once every 2-3 months where you had to do the same thing? I'm sure you could come up with something good. Itch.io appears to be the premier platform for game jams, and I think you should check it out.
Itch.io in general seems to be a great spot for indie devs. I've recently discovered someone who you might find interesting - her name is Taylor McCue, and she makes these really interesting games that sort of resemble visual novels, but they have some RPG elements too. They're artsy and weird, and she uses her experience as a trans woman who's struggled with mental health issues and poverty to create extremely compelling works of art. Her games are rather short, too, and in a way your writing reminds me of hers - except yours is largely contained to blog posts, while hers is contained within her video games. It's not what you normally do, but a bit of confessional, interactive auto-fiction never hurt anyone, did it? Another artist in this vein who I like is Nikky Case, who I think you might have heard of already as she's the author of We Become What We Behold and a bunch of other games that were popular back in the day. Her games are short, but they're somewhat philosophical and oftentimes introspective - and she's well educated on a variety of issues in regards to game theory and the like. You could do something similar but with psychology, like, say, an interactive explanation of Jung's big 5 personality traits? I'm not well versed in this sort of stuff to tell you the truth, so I'm sure you could come up with something way better than that. Pop psychology about personality types and the like is really in amongst Gen Z right now, so you could use that to your advantage too.
As another potential pace, I think you should try and do some collaborative work. I don't know if you've ever done that, but I think it'd help get your juices flowing and force you to actually get stuff done on time. I'm not fully sure what platforms people use to look for collaborators, but I know that Newgrounds - yes, Newgrounds! - has a very active section for people who are looking for artists/musicians/coders/writers and so on. I'm pretty sure itch.io has a similar feature. You could find a project that interests you or post an idea for one of your own that you'd like some input on. It'd also help you socialise a bit more, which is something mentioned you'd like to do.
Whatever it is that you end up doing, I wish you the best! But you've got to work hard no matter what, and actually publish something every once in a while :p
Kind regards,
A potential new fan
I first stumbled on mardek in 2013.It was a summer vacation after 7th grade and was finding something to play. I was bullied as a new kid in my new school because I was a nerd and didn't talk to people much. I had enough. And then I found this game and was immediately hooked. Just like Bastian found Fantasia at a bookstore in the novel 'The Neverending story',I found mardek. It helped me forget all my problems. I had the best summer vacation.Things got better in 8th grade, I started making friends and so on.But I think that's why this game has a special place in my heart despite its flaws. It's all the memories I had. .
I also had dropped out of uni twice because of paranoia associated with my schizophrenia (which was diagnosed at age 17.) That's also why I find Rohoph such a relatable character.What I am trying to tell you is you have made a huge impact with your work. It's just that you didnt start small first and then work your way up to larger projects
If you have hard time creating dreamons, I guess you will have to hire some people (even omori and undertale wasn't made by a single person) or you can create a webcomic or graphic novel. I hope it helps.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm glad that MARDEK had that positive influence in your life. That's my biggest hope as a creator, to brighten the lives of others in whatever way I can.
I'd never thought of the connection between Rohoph and schizophrenia before, how interesting! I like that characters are able to resonate with people even in ways that weren't explicitly intended. I hope you're not too troubled by the mental health issues. I'm no stranger to having a mind that's not my friend, after all.
Unfortunately, hiring people takes money, and I don't even have enough to hire myself currently. I envy people who have likeminded friends to develop together with, driven by passion rather than compensation; I wonder how much success comes from lucky connections like that, which I personally missed out on.
I am fine, I have been taking clozapine, the best antipsychotic out there and feeling better now. If you are still continuing on a game dev journey, start with something small, I think yume nikki was made by one person, It's a horror game made in rpg maker by kikiyama.I found a video on YouTube about the easiest video game genres to make tierlist
https://youtu.be/Yg8wig1LTtE?si=kOqqzdSGV1xAXe4F
You've got some great creative skills. But the hard part is making a living from it.
For example, let's say you want to earn $50,000. You could get 50,000 people to pay you $1 each. Or 2000 people to pay you $25 each. And so on. At the other end of the scale is one big customer that pays you $50,000, and you devote most of your attention to that customer.
The creative work you've described is on the many-customers side of the scale, but it's hard to find and juggle the number of customers needed to earn decent money. Meanwhile, getting a regular job is equivalent to the one big customer. I think the one customer route is easier.
As for what kind of job you could get, ideally it should be something that uses your creative/coding/psychology skills. But you can fall back to an unskilled local job to get work experience. (Unskilled jobs aren't always easier to get though. Lower bar to entry can mean more applicants.)
But note that I'm quite biased. I'm just one guy with a full-time coding job that more than adequately pays the bills.
Sorry I'm late! I actually wanted to message you years ago, but I didn't manage it because I was going through a mental health crisis and had a typo in your email. Anyway, you are a big inspiration for me not just because of MARDEK, but because you have kept pushing your dreams and working on different games and music and art despite the challenges in your life! I played a decent amount of Memody a few years ago and I have followed the progress of your different projects once I found this website. I really enjoyed the two sound poems in this blog and I can somewhat grasp how low you must feel sometimes. I had a dream as a kid to make a game about dragons, inspired by your projects and others, but I never took the time to learn programming or art design or write more than a few snippets of music. Unlike me, you have worked really hard to produce your creatives ideas, even when it meant switching to something else after a while. I get why you wanted to do something besides MARDEK, and your other projects have been really cool to see. I'm sorry that Memody hasn't gotten the attention it deserved. Sadly, I didn't know about it until you had only gotten crumbs for what I consider to a beautifully moving and challenging game. I hope to someday make my game, but I am 26 with little knowledge of game development other than the ideas of characters and stories, unless I resort to RPGmaker. I hope you are able to get the support you need and you get to see how many of your fans are still here to support you. The hardest part of mental illness is how different and worthless it can make us feel, even though everyone needs help sometimes and I believe and hope that things will get better for both of us. Thank you for continuing to push through difficult things so you can live and share your light and ideas with us through your projects.
Hello Tobias. I've spoken to you many times before (your blogs for example). And I've been following your work for a long time. I just now made a Substack account so I could answer this question, but I've been still reading the blog. I have a lot of difficulty with communicating with people as well, and it made for a difficult time in my life. But one thing that always made my day better was hearing about your work.
I've always appreciated the projects you've made, and the mastery you have over creativity. Your music has always been pleasing for my ears, but your art has always marveled me. I know you may think of Mardek with regret, but I always appreciated how your art had subtlety. Anytime I entered a new area, it felt like everything fit in perfectly (Not an easy task). Not once did it ever feel overwhelming to my senses. It always felt right.
As for what I want from you, I want you to do what makes you happy. I want to see you work the way you want to. No matter how people believe designers and composers are supposed to be, you still carry on with how you wish a game should be. By being unbound by the arbitrary rules of perception, you have let your creativity bring about joy to many (me included). You inspired me to reach for my goals, and I'm still working at it. Despite my mental health issues, I can always count on your work to give me hope that I can make my project succeed. The day you wrote that I have your blessing was one of the happiest days I've had lately.
I understand your struggles very well. I wish I had good connections with people. Almost all of my connections (even through common interests) eventually sever, rot, or were just toxic to begin with (even if I didn't realize it at first). However, despite the struggle, you still persevere. And I respect you very much because of that. I still will follow your work, from the beginning to the end. And happy belated birthday.
Seeing the MARDEK series continue with the same graphics like the original 3 would make me very happy haha. I also think that it'll sell very well. One of the best games I've ever played
I think one of your most unique creative talents (among many) is your composition skill. If you were interested in exploring freelancing I think that may be a good place to start. You could of course take commissions for making video games music, but there may also be a market for making character themes or set piece themes for tabletop RPGs. It's not a service I've seen before, and I think it's something invested players would really be into. Unfortunately that may involve marketing, but you could potentially partner with a third party ttrpg publisher and have that handled through them. These publishers may also be more approachable than other types of corporations.
I also think considering some sort of part time day job isn't a bad idea if you're worried about being strapped for cash. In my experience, the tiredness that comes from "regular work" and creative endeavors isn't necessarily addictive in the way you might expect. Back in undergrad when I had my time split between pharmacy and music, I would be tired from both, but my energy wasn't all being siphoned from the same metaphorical pot. However that's just my experience, you may know if you react differently to that kind of thing.
I was a big fan of Mardek, and it's still one of my all-time favorite games. I keep thinking you and Concerned Ape (the guy who made Stardew Valley by himself and then hired a team to help with development after it was super successful) have a lot of similarities. He released Stardew Valley early just because he knew he'd be working on it forever and people knew it was in development and wanted to play it. Since then, he's been adding consecutive updates for years afterward, the latest (and perhaps final) one being 1.6. It's definitely a labor of love. He trolls us sometimes, too. ^_^' He has a sense of humor.
I would think the best way to make games is by knowing what is fun for you and make games that you would like to play, because then you can pretty much guarantee that others will feel the same way.
But personally, my favorite games tend to be RPGs, farming simulators (apparently), puzzles, and a few others depending on the game. The top-down pixel graphics of Mardek was an appeal, by the way; I don't know if you saw it that way since you seem to have gone away from pixel graphics. I also play games with 3-D graphics, but I usually prefer them to be cartoony and overly saturated. ^_^' Examples: Stardew, Ooblets, Animal Crossing, etc.
I feel like there must be a lot of options for what you can do to earn money. Maybe you should go to school for business so you can learn how to run your own. I imagine you wouldn't need too much, although I don't actually know. Also, have you been seeing a therapist regularly? I get the impression a lot of what you're afraid of is kind of in your head, and I would think it would help a lot if you can manage to see things more positively, at least in the sense of how other people view you. There are a lot of people, myself included, who can't help feeling like a stranger who just doesn't belong anywhere. I've had several times when I felt that I had found "my people," but I always still felt unwelcome somehow. I guess if you manage to find those people who feel the same way, or similarly, at least you'll know you're not alone in the world.
Also, I think making small projects is probably the best way to be able to make some kind of money quickly. It can be easy to get carried away with big ideas, but then it can take a long time to actually bring the product to the customer that way.
I think I've never spoken to you but let me answer your question of why I'm here. I came to know your works through MARDEK, but I'm totally open to your other games and non-game-related ideas. I think I'm interested in you as a creator, as I like the way you express emotions and feelings through your creations.
Also, with that, I find the idea of making music/songs with animations is nice. Not just character related songs, but event or scene related songs would work.
I came up with two other reasons why I think the idea is good.
1: As it requires two different skill sets and bridge between them, there are less competitors. It might sound odd, but I think it's like translating one language to another. For example, there are so many Hindi speakers and Chinese speakers, but way less people who can make smooth translations between them. And when you are a "translator", you can get works from both sides.
2: Animations also helps people to stop their scrolls to see your music. I think that's one of the reasons why many bands don't put simple statistic screen on their music these days. When something is moving, our eyes tend to see it.
...Well, if only I could come up with better ideas to greatly support you, but it would be nice if I can help you even a bit. I wish the best for you. Sending love from Japan.
Thanks a lot for commenting! I appreciate your support and heraing your thoughts, especially if you're interested in my general creative output rather than something specific like MARDEK exclusively.
I think your insights about how the character song things could work are wise, and I've had similar thoughts and hopes myself. I think MARDEK did as well as it did largely due to the lack of competitors at the time (pretty much nobody was making RPGs in Flash). I just hope that that is how they'd turn out if I went down that path. Hearing you think the same does help with that hope!
Hey Tobias.
I had some similar experiences to yours - I went to uni studying something, ended up in psychology only to drop it after and am too looking for a job. It can be scary and my mental issues are no help at all. Started taking meds at about 4 years and sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in an endless loop of quitting things I start and taking a lot of medications. Not to mention my addiction to tobacco and my bad relationship with alcohol. I hope we both can get through all of this.
As a fellow person crippling with mental illness it's easier to say things to other people who are passing through shared experiences than dealing with them myself, but I felt I needed to say my piece. I hope you don't read all of this as me coming after you - I'm struggling too.
Quoting Syntax "Your creations have inspired hundreds of people, even decades later." You did. You inspired me and many friends of mine. I used to play all of your games - even the unfinished ones. And all the passion you had for your projects made me want to stick around and see how you are handling things now. You are one of the only solo developers (actually, might be the only one) I tend to keep up so closely with.
You said you wish your parents had pressured you into working before so you could get a taste on the common "job life", but alas, they didn't. And sadly, this line of thought ends up making us feel worse about ourselves. As hard as letting go of the past is, what you gotta do is focus on your recent events. Your mother is going to retire and you need to make money.
About making money... I think you actually have many options. As a game developer, maybe you could try finding a job in the area? Working for a dev team? Some jobs like that you can even do in the comfort of your own home. I live in Brazil, and I feel like here is a bit harder to join a team like that than in the US or the UK. Another option, which I feel you probably won't like, would be to finish Mardek. It was your most played series and I remember reading that you were actually surprised by the number of sales on steam. I don't like the idea of having to make money doing something you don't feel as connected to anymore but...
Sometimes life can be a real pain, and we need to find a way to make money. And maybe finishing one of your most popular games could help you to make enough money to invest in your actual interests. But I don't know, maybe you'd be happier working in a day-to-day job instead of developing something you don't feel as passionate about as you used to. You are the only one who can answer that.
There's also another thing about games I feel like I should point out to you. As much as I love your work and have been deeply inspired by it, I can't help but notice that since the beggining of your career, lots of your games have been unfinished. Deliverance, Beast Hunter, Raider, Miasmon and others, namely Taming Dreams, which I played before - even had the beta ( think it was beta?) test build. Having ADHD and mental health issues, I know how hard it is to stay focused on one project. But I have the feeling that if you could try something new to apply to your work and be able to finish your projects, you'd be very successful.
Speaking about Taming Dreams and Clarence's Big Chance. Those are, I think, your two last games. They are separated by many years of launch and Taming Dreams is apparently abandoned. Can't say for Taming Dreams, but I remember CBC was a big hit and many people played it. So it's not like Mardek is your only option. Your passion flows through your games and that's why people love playing them. But as far as being a game developer, first you need to finish the games, otherwise you'll just hop in one project after another.
Trying out new things can be hard - but it's not good to dwell on our insecurities either. I have worked before but I quit many jobs because I thought they would lead me nowhere, or my anxieties got the better of me. One time I quit a job because I was paid with government money and thought to myself "Hey, it's not fair for me to receive X in salary while people are hungry on the streets." Something along those lines. I regret quitting, now.
As much as I want to invest on other projects, I realized by now that I need the funds for that. And how else can I make money, but working? So I had to (for the time being) find a work and focus on making money so that, in the future, I can do the things that I do really enjoy.
It's also a good thing to work on a common job. I also think that all your knowledge from psychology can be applied for your future work. My friend is working at a drugstore and also goes to college, but his education is from home. Distance learning, I think? And he's happy, there. Working also helps a great lot with depression. Keeps your mind away from those recurrent thoughts.
Again, I'm sharing my opinion because I feel like our struggles can be quite similar - depression, severe anxiety... Can't say that for the brain tumor tho. But I did have severe health issues too, though I'd rather not talk about them on the internet - I don't even post on many websites or forums that often for that matter.
I also know it's very hard to read other people's opinion on the internet - no one knows how crippling your problems can be but yourself. And that is okay. I just hope I could share some of my thoughts and maybe help out a little bit. Take care, I hope you'll come to a good resolution and find the happiness you certainly deserve. Just like you made me and countless other friends happy throughout all these years with your games.
Hey there!
What I would suggest is compiling an actual portfolio, something that you can show to a potential employer. I think it would give you a better overall idea of what you can offer and, y'know, give them a better option to check out your work other than this website. It has too much personal stuff and is held together by duct tape and prayers.
With that, I'd seek a position in a smaller game development team. Maybe it's not gonna give you much in terms of cash, but it would give you the much needed experience in teamwork, since you've been doing stuff solo for the most part. I can tell it's not your forte, but it's an acquired skill, not something you're "born" with. You can also do some kind of unskilled part-time stuff you mentioned at the same time. And hey, someone there might remember you for all your countribution in the flash days, so you have that going for you. And teams, if not disbanded, tend to get shit done, which also has been an issue with your work.
And then - who knows? - maybe you can make a small team yourself for a glorious comeback, which me and a bunch of other people have been silently waiting for all this time! A return to Divine Dreams maybe?
MARDEK, but only if you want to :)
Are you all just here out of fondness for MARDEK and hoping one day I’ll return to that?
yes
I originally started reading here (many years ago) because I was curious if the mardek series was still going anywhere, or what it's successor would be. For me it was definitely one of my personality defining pieces of media.
I've played and enjoyed Memody and the demo of Atonal Dreams as well, so I'd assume I'll like any game you'd end up releasing in the future. As for music I don't really listen to any music on it's own, but when it's a game soundtrack that I like a lot I'll remember it very well. I still get music from mardek playing in my head regularly. For me I know I'm biased in that the emotional connection of the music to the corresponding game/media matters a lot.
Having been following for a while at this point I've been generally interested in your life experiences as well, so even if there doesn't end up being "content" for me, I'll likely keep on browsing here anyways. I wish you good luck