Ruffle, Broken Down
Thoughts about porting old Flash games, a brain scan trip during which the car broke down, bleak partner prospects, etc.
I started last week by looking into my old Flash games, trying to sort out a port of those.
I made a bit of something like progress when I (re)discovered the Ruffle emulator, which I think struggled to play my games in its early days but which has since been updated a lot and now plays most of them without major issues. I don’t know whether that’s much help to me though with regards to an actual port.
It’d probably be wiser to try to open the old game files in Flash (or Animate) and export them as exes - I think this is what I did with the MARDEK port - but… well, I haven’t done that yet.
Last time I went through all this, I downloaded several versions of Flash, and old .fla files wouldn’t open in the wrong versions of the editor. The biggest issue was that Animate - what Flash has become - strips all ActionScript 2 code out of my old projects (without warning and then apparently saves the file so you can’t get it back), so only the few I made in ActionScript 3 are viable. Unless I track down old versions of the editor, as I tried to in the past.
I spent a big chunk of time just doing digital archaeology and running virus scans on dodgy old files I’d downloaded from random websites, many of which came up as potentially being viruses (which could just be because of the issues that caused Flash itself to be discontinued), so I didn’t run them.
So I might return to that. Maybe should. I don’t know.
I also had a routine checkup brain scan, which turned into a whole ordeal!
The scan itself was fine; long (45 minutes), but no major issues other than boredom. I won’t have the results for about another week.
More notable were the trips there and back. My step-dad takes me, meaning we’re stuck in the car for about an hour each way and we talk. We rarely talk otherwise because we’re such different people.
In previous years, he’s been generally supportive about me trying to make my own way in life - rather than seeking more secure employment - since he‘d always tried to do the same.
This time, though, we talked more about what I can do instead, job-wise. Can’t say that any conclusions were reached, though it did underline the shift in my my mind regarding the direction I’m travelling in.
I also got a glimpse into how stressed he is these days, especially regarding money. To a large degree it’s his own fault - he spends money as soon as he gets it, on luxuries he doesn’t need - but most of my own life situation could be said to be ‘my own fault’ due to the way my brain works. I’d rather regard behaviour with more compassion and curiosity than blame, though.
He’s retired, though I suppose making money from the community hall we look after. Apparently he’s already eaten through the bulk of the pension money he started getting a year or two ago.
He and my mum have given me so much support without ever asking for anything in return, so I know I need to give back. I want to. Or at the very least I need to stop being a financial burden by moving out. I know it’ll be good for me to do that.
I just can’t decide what to do, mostly because of fears about being socially excluded in whatever workplace I might find myself in. I don’t fear the work, I fear the people, and not getting along with them. Being an alien hurts. I’m isolated and it hurts now, but it’d be worse if I were surrounded by people I felt horribly different from. I know that from experience.
Also, getting back to the hospital trip, after the scan was done and after the relief of being free from waiting washed over me, I returned to the car… and it broke down. Or wouldn’t start, rather.
My step-dad had to call a friend, who called someone he knew who came and gave it a jump start, which allowed us to get home, thankfully. Though the whole journey ended up taking hours longer than it should have done.
It made me realise more than ever the importance of social connection. If I were in that situation, what would I have done? I wouldn’t have a friend to call. I’d have to call some service and wait for hours, deal with strangers.
He said I could call him, which is true. But that won’t last forever.
I should start the process of learning to drive, though, now that I have my provisional driver’s licence. Maybe I’ll work towards the theory test first, since I can do that without interacting with anyone or going anywhere. Hmm.
Also, I’ve been having video calls with one of the uni friends I’m still in touch with (I haven’t heard from the other in weeks), and she’s been crying to me about her arsehole boyfriend while I be the nice guy and offer her comfort and support. I’m very aware of the role I’m playing and all the psychology underlying mate selection, and for the most part I’ve just put up with it since it’s ostensibly better than total isolation (and I know what it’s like to be stuck in a mental vortex).
It’s getting more and more frustrating though being almost directly told that nice, caring guys hold no appeal and mean treatment’s what keeps her keen. Not because I’m attracted to her and hoping she’ll want me in that way, but because I still hold some hope of finding someone one day and it reminds me of how bleak it all is.
A lot of our conversations involve her complaining at length about the sorts of girls guys (including the less-than-loyal brute she’s latched onto) are into, but she seemed irritated when I complained that girls tend to be into ‘bad boys’, even though she herself is obsessed with one. The other friend was, too; probably still is. As was the third girl I met at uni.
It all just makes me tired of people. Makes me want to just go and hide away in isolation so I can make stuff in peace. Sadly not a realistic option, however.
Also, I hoped to use the weekend to relax and recuperate, but instead guests stayed over and I… well, I wasn’t exactly highly anxious or anything, just unsettled and less comfortable than I would have been if people I’d rather avoid weren’t around.
No point blathering on about all that though; it’s over now.
I’m aware that few - if any - people are reading my posts here. Though I don’t feel stable enough about what I’m even doing at the moment to try and do anything about that. Feels weird trying to draw attention to what are essentially diary entries. I’m basically just using it as an outlet to give my life some kind of structure, or to do something with my time. If other people get anything out of reading my rambling, that’s a bonus.
I’m unsure how to spend this week. Old Flash ports? Read up about driving theory in preparation for the theory test? Find a driving instructor?? Dreamons? I don’t know.
I miss just waking up and doing games dev every day! Knowing exactly what needed to be done and just doing it…