Barrage of Storms
The Universe's algorithm noticed how engaged I was with my dog's tragic death, and so decided to bombard me with more of the same
Last time, I wrote about my dog rather traumatisingly dying in my arms. I didn’t even have time to mourn afterwards, though, because like five other things - each of which would be week-ruining if it happened alone - all piled on together at once.
The day after the dog died, I got a message that brought back a ton of trauma, and I had to spend the whole day anxiously attending to that.
Then, that weekend, a relative came and stayed the night. Not a big deal at all for someone well-adjusted, but this particular relative is like a reminder of all my many personal failings, so I just hid and starved like the nutcase I am.
I starved the Saturday that just passed, too, because that weekend was also taken up by relatives coming over. This time, to attend some kind of post-funeral life celebration event for a barely-relative (my step-dad’s sister’s husband) who’d recently died (about which I felt nothing, for various reasons). It was hosted in the adjacent community hall, meaning people were coming in and out of the kitchen constantly. All the many guests were people from my step-dad’s family, mostly complete strangers.
Even my parents seemed notably exhausted by the dog’s death plus those two things combined.
The one friend I’ve often written about - who I typically have regular long video calls with, which is my main source of social support and a big pillar supporting what’s left of my sanity these days - was going through a crisis of her own, and due to her circumstances, we haven’t been able to talk with voices in weeks. Her mental state seemed to be deteriorating, and she hasn’t replied to texts in days (weeks?) despite my multiple attempts to reach out, which is very unlike her. She could be dead for all I know. Or maybe she’s just ghosting me and it’s my fault? I’ve been worrying constantly.
The new therapist I’d recently got to try and climb out of the pit I’ve been in for years just happens to also have taken three weeks off during this period, meaning I’ve had nobody other than my not-exactly-sensitive mother and ChatGPT to talk to through any of this.
And of course, the weight of the dread about my lack of independence is ever-present, exacerbating whatever circumstantial stressors come up…
So I’ve not been doing well!!
It’s Monday now, and I should really get back to work - I want to get back to work - but I’ve been so thrown off I don’t even know what to focus on. I think I was making that revised version of my website? Ehh…
Oh, I also have a piece of music - Ramble 36 - like 99% finished, but I keep putting off finalising it. I’ll post that on Patreon when I can actually finish it.
I haven’t actually spent this time doing nothing - like just doomscrolling or whatever - but more and more these days I end up using my creative skills to make stuff just for myself, that I don’t want to release so then it’s not added to some public pile of abandoned projects once my interest inevitably wanes. I’ve talked about that a bunch of times before. It’s a shame, since my actual public output is so little these days, but that’s not an accurate reflection of how much stuff I’m actually making.
It’s why I keep wanting to do something with Dreamons - like the animated scenes I’ve mentioned, which should be quick to make - but the thought of all the socialising that might come from trying to have a more public presence again just feels so overwhelming that it all becomes something I should do rather than something I’m excited about and find uplifting. So there’s this barrier I struggle to pass when my mood’s too low, as it has been recently.
Oh, I did at least finally, finally finish a seemingly endless game I apparently started playing way back in February: Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, part 2 of that Remake trilogy. My final play time was something like 125 hours. I have thoughts about that, and wondered whether to write this post about that and them, but I suppose it’s valuable just to vent about the darker stuff, so I’ll maybe write another one about that sometime soon. Or not; depends whether I find the time and motivation to do something that won’t really get me anywhere, I suppose. I liked it a lot, though.
Anyway. I’m hoping this is just a passing storm, and that I can recover and get back to what I was trying to do before. Whatever that even was…
(I feel like there were other stressors I haven’t even mentioned here, but my mind’s been a mess and they’re not coming to me; probably for the best not to reignite them, though.)
Are you ever able to laugh at the absurdity of life? At yourself? At people you see who won't change no matter what? Etc. This seems like a good timing for that...
Gosh I have to rewrite it all since I dared touch the phone screen elsewhere while typing 🫠
Good day to you, so to speak👀
Saw your post right away but being sleep deprived for five days I was under the impression that I wouldn't be able to give any good insight.
The rested version of me now accessible 🤘 (I won't speak of personal/familial context):
There are points to consider about your content when making an educated choice
First off, is it dev related.
No? Then do you want to put it out there at all? If you do, you may use platforms such as dA, I know you to be well acquainted with it before. It may serve as a window pane for general purpose, or to the contrary, for sole focus stuff unrelated to development.
Yes? What purpose does it serve? For public attention and advertising, aim for well exposed platforms with opportunities, preferably varied, a bunch of social media seems to be a norm, while I would advice to specify in links one "main" platform/adress to join, either for business or troubleshooting purpose.
If the intent isn't for head-on advertising, maybe call to your current platforms (Substack, Patreon, which would also be an incentive for the subs already there and potential new comers when advertised)
All this being said about the basics, definitely plan out how you want to interact with the whole community aspect, begin right away by setting rules/boundaries as if the community was the biggest ever, only to set efficient and healthy ones. Once you manage to have a clear picture of this aspect, I believe you'll have a much easier time to >not< stress it out.
Then it will be about self discipline to stick by them so not to overly expose yourself, understand and allow yourself to focus on "your part of the deal", aka the project. And if progress seems slow or uninteresting for content purpose,
1. It's not a real problem for development. 2. Approach it differently, my personal appreciation here, whatever you may believe yourself, I see you more often than not doing some substential work at once (keep in mind we're not judging on a everyday basis either, let's say upon a whole month) and this CAN and SHOULD be managed to give you some leeway as well.
No need to bring out everything at once when sharing with your community, made a whole lot of UI last week? Zoom and cut some elements, tease it first(giving yet more time); future post, show a bit of it, icons or some specific part, not all of it if you made several tweaks.
3. Not visual, rather simple and plain, cold log updates are FINE, it's not about turning into a people pleaser, it's game dev and it realistically takes time, which is to be understood by the general consensus.
I may continue on many ways and tips to deal with community management and perception but I believe I went full freedom here and made it never ending lol 😖
I see things with too many details and am not good with keeping it short as I believe details make the difference, although they make things difficult to focus on sometimes 😅
Peace ✌️😄